This is a sort of a girl post, but you guys out there can eavesdrop if you like. =P
I was on my way home from my piano lesson the other day, staring out the truck window and musing about life. I began pondering why things happen the way they happen. That particular day, I was more than a little stressed, and the fact that every part of my body aches was finally sinking in to my brain. So I wondered why the gross things, the painful things, the unpleasant things happen. I've pondered this before, and I always knew it was because God was shaping me into the Ambassador of Christ He wills me to be. However, that day, it burst into my realization that I'm not only being shaped into someone, I'm being shaped into someone who will someday help, serve, and belong to someone. Everything I go through now is molding me into the woman a very specific man out there needs as his help, as an extension of him. Everything I learn now, every spiritual inch I grow, it's not only to my benefit, it's to his. Each lesson, each hardship, each chore, each prayer, each recipe even.
For some reason, this is terribly motivating. No hardship is daunting when you're working for the benefit of someone you love.
Another related thought - as my dear friend Morwen said, "the nice thing is, God has given us a slew of male friends to practice on." We can learn to help, learn to serve, learn to stand by, learn to comfort even before we meet our Husbands. I know that the young men I'm friends with are, unconsciously, the best tutors I could ask for. If I can be a help to them, while not being in love with them (>laughs< I certainly love them, just not that way), how much easier will it be for me, having been trained, to be a help to the one who will eventually come?
Love Endures All Things,
-=Brenna=-
2/24/10
2/19/10
2/13/10
An Actual Update Of Events
That's right, I'm actually blogging about something I DID, not something I THOUGHT, or FELT!
::basks in applause::
Tuesday was hectic. I haven't had a day that tiring and stressful since I-don't-know-when.
There was the "Free Grand Slam" promotion going on, and Mother and Brother wanted a piece of it. I just went along because I happened to be awake and dressed in time to leave the house.
Then, we ran home, I scrambled to get Econ homework done, and then I rushed out again to get to my Doctor's appointment at 9:00.
I got to crutch up and down stairs a whole lot through the course of the day...
So we waited at the doctor for a long while, and when I finally got admitted into a room, weighed (I can't figure out why I'm losing weight but getting taller), and blood-pressure-ized, and then got to sit and wait for half an hour.
The doctor finally saw me, grabbed my foot, twisted it a few ways, poked it thrice, and then exclaimed, after it made a squelching/grinding/popping sound, "Oh. I hate that sound..."
After sitting back in his chair and instructing me to put my shoes back on, he said casually, "Oh, you'll need surgery."
I burst out laughing.
Really, I did.
I mean, I've got the messed up back, the messed up neck, an Atlas that won't stay in place, and NOW I NEED FOOT SURGERY. It's so unbearable that it's humorous.
Specifically, I have ::ahem:: "a subluxation of both anterior ligaments". In english, this means that some pieces of my foot got popped out of place, and I need "reconstructive surgery" to stick 'em back where they belong.
First, though, we had to get X-rays and an MRI to see what needs, specifically, to be done. (X-rays because I might also have fractured the ankle. If this is the case, I get to gimp around in a boot for months, THEN get surgery when it's healed, THEN gimp around some more in another boot, THEN go through physical therapy for many more months."
So off we went to the hospital for a little radiation.
X-rays were taken by a very awkward Tech, and then I ran (on crutches) back to the car so we could get to Green River in time for my Compass Test appointment.
I'm very proud of my Test results. Yes, I failed math, but I aced the other two and finished the entire thing in 50 minutes. The test was stupid easy, I thought, so I probably shouldn't be as happy about this as I am. Ah well.
When we got home, I tried to finish my schoolwork, but was so wiped out that I finally just gave up and slept. Then I got to wake up, consume f00d, and run off to Awana, which I wasn't prepared for at all.
My days are usually spent at home, alone, with the computer for company and a pile of schoolwork, so this day was extremely stressful and yet extremely enjoyable for me. Minus the surgery.
Yeah. So, that's how I'm doing. How're you doing?
::basks in applause::
Tuesday was hectic. I haven't had a day that tiring and stressful since I-don't-know-when.
First, I got up at 4:00, did some Literature homework, got dressed really quickly, and loaded with Brother and Mother into the truck so we could go to Denny's.
There was the "Free Grand Slam" promotion going on, and Mother and Brother wanted a piece of it. I just went along because I happened to be awake and dressed in time to leave the house. The place was PACKED with teenagers. When free food is offered, youth seep from the woodwork.
Then, we ran home, I scrambled to get Econ homework done, and then I rushed out again to get to my Doctor's appointment at 9:00.
I got to crutch up and down stairs a whole lot through the course of the day...
The doctor finally saw me, grabbed my foot, twisted it a few ways, poked it thrice, and then exclaimed, after it made a squelching/grinding/popping sound, "Oh. I hate that sound..."
After sitting back in his chair and instructing me to put my shoes back on, he said casually, "Oh, you'll need surgery."
I burst out laughing.
Really, I did.
I mean, I've got the messed up back, the messed up neck, an Atlas that won't stay in place, and NOW I NEED FOOT SURGERY. It's so unbearable that it's humorous.
Specifically, I have ::ahem:: "a subluxation of both anterior ligaments". In english, this means that some pieces of my foot got popped out of place, and I need "reconstructive surgery" to stick 'em back where they belong.
First, though, we had to get X-rays and an MRI to see what needs, specifically, to be done. (X-rays because I might also have fractured the ankle. If this is the case, I get to gimp around in a boot for months, THEN get surgery when it's healed, THEN gimp around some more in another boot, THEN go through physical therapy for many more months."
So off we went to the hospital for a little radiation.
X-rays were taken by a very awkward Tech, and then I ran (on crutches) back to the car so we could get to Green River in time for my Compass Test appointment.
I'm very proud of my Test results. Yes, I failed math, but I aced the other two and finished the entire thing in 50 minutes. The test was stupid easy, I thought, so I probably shouldn't be as happy about this as I am. Ah well.
When we got home, I tried to finish my schoolwork, but was so wiped out that I finally just gave up and slept. Then I got to wake up, consume f00d, and run off to Awana, which I wasn't prepared for at all.
My days are usually spent at home, alone, with the computer for company and a pile of schoolwork, so this day was extremely stressful and yet extremely enjoyable for me. Minus the surgery.
Yeah. So, that's how I'm doing. How're you doing?
Gender-Confused
I had the most fascinating, strange conversation with a 4-year old at work. This isn't a really deep, philosophical, thought-provoking conversation, just one with a teeny bit of shock factor that makes me laugh.
CHRISTOPHER: Are you a boy?
ME: Um. No, Chris, I'm a girl.
CHRISTOPHER: No! You're a boy! You can't be a girl!
ME: >raises one eyebrow< Why's that?
CHRISTOPHER: You don't have anything on your face! And >tugs my earlobe< nothing here!
ME: >ponders for a second, before understanding dawns< OH. Not all girls wear makeup and earrings, Chris.
CHRISTOPHER: Yes they do! >is quiet for moment, then looks up at me with a solemn, innocent, slightly confused expression< But... you're not pretty like a girl!
ME: >declines arguing further<
In clarification:
How very singular.
Brings to mind a few other stories that made me notorious for borrowing guys' pants, but I don't have time or the overwhelming desire to tell them.
-=Brenna=-
CHRISTOPHER: Are you a boy?
ME: Um. No, Chris, I'm a girl.
CHRISTOPHER: No! You're a boy! You can't be a girl!
ME: >raises one eyebrow< Why's that?
CHRISTOPHER: You don't have anything on your face! And >tugs my earlobe< nothing here!
ME: >ponders for a second, before understanding dawns< OH. Not all girls wear makeup and earrings, Chris.
CHRISTOPHER: Yes they do! >is quiet for moment, then looks up at me with a solemn, innocent, slightly confused expression< But... you're not pretty like a girl!
ME: >declines arguing further<
In clarification:
- I don't wear makeup at all often, and the exception never falls on a work day. Mascara pretty much ends it, and even that I don't use with regularity. So he's right, I don't have a ton of stuff on my face. What you see is what you get.
- I sorta cross-dress, mildly, when I go to work. I wear guys jeans (okay, males out there, you've got it WAY easy. Your pants are COMFORTABLE), t-shirts that are a little too big, and tennis shoes.
- I don't wear jewelry to work, especially not earrings. The last thing I need is to be strangled or have my earlobe ripped off because some kid decides my jewelry is a fun toy.
- As far as prettiness goes, I'm in agreement with him. Especially if he thinks prettiness is determined by face paint and shiny metal hanging off your body.
How very singular.
Brings to mind a few other stories that made me notorious for borrowing guys' pants, but I don't have time or the overwhelming desire to tell them.
-=Brenna=-
2/11/10
Let's Talk About Sin
::title drops like a weight through the floor::
Specifically, idolatry.
I've probably sat through 30 Sunday School lessons, sermons, or "chapel time"-like-things about idolatry. They all follow roughly the same formula, and end in similarly unsatisfactory ways.
Most people define idolatry as "anything that becomes more important to you than God," or some variant thereof. While I technically agree with that definition, I'm here to expand the view of the definition.
Let's hustle down to Colossians 3 and read a little something I discovered a while back.
Specifically, idolatry.
I've probably sat through 30 Sunday School lessons, sermons, or "chapel time"-like-things about idolatry. They all follow roughly the same formula, and end in similarly unsatisfactory ways.
Most people define idolatry as "anything that becomes more important to you than God," or some variant thereof. While I technically agree with that definition, I'm here to expand the view of the definition.
Let's hustle down to Colossians 3 and read a little something I discovered a while back.
Colossians 3:5
"Therefore, put to death your members which are on the earth; fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry."
When I read this for the first time (really read it for the first time, that is), I did a double-take. "Whoa," I thought, "this changes things." The little "which" on the end of the verse redefined sin for me in the space of 5 seconds.
Covetousness (or "greed", in other translations. I use NKJV), I suddenly realized, is somewhat of a "blanket" sin. Wanting something. Don't all sins, after all, begin with a desire?
Theft - wanting an object
Lust - wanting someone's body (this is also adultery/fornication, when Lust is acted upon)
Rebellion - wanting your own way, wanting to be in control instead of someone else
Lying - wanting to cover up for something (usually another sin), wanting to look better than you do
Murder - wanting someone dead, wanting to keep someone quiet, wanting revenge, etc. there are a lot of desires that spur on murder.
Revenge - wanting to get back at someone.
Boasting - wanting others to think you're "great" or better than them
Embezzlement - wanting money (I included this because the Bible does too, in several of the Great Sin Lists that Paul is so good at)
Etc.
Even what some call the "Ultimate Sin", the "sin of rejecting Christ", results from the desire of self-sufficiency, or something like.
So as we're strolling along discussing sin, we stumble upon an elementary logic trail:
So, let's say that all sin is covetousness.
According to the Colossians, all covetousness is idolatry.
Therefore, all sin is idolatry.
This makes absolute OODLES of sense!
BeCAUSE...
BeCAUSE...
If you desire something (action, word, or object) that you know is against God's law, and act upon that desire anyway, you are essentially saying "This [action, word, or object] is more important to me than honoring God."
How did we define idolatry, again? "Anything that becomes more important to you than God," or some variant thereof.
Ding!
This particular revelation has kept me away from a lot of my "habitual sins", lately. I'll be tempted, about to commit the sin out of weakness - when all of a sudden, in the corner of my mind, a thought pops up, not unlike a Gmail chat box (STOP YOUR SNICKERING!!! I CAN HEAR YOU!!!).
It's like this:
Really puts things in perspective, doesn't it?
Does me.
Love Does Not Rejoice In Iniquity,
-=Brenna=-
P.S. Stop laughing and admit that what I just did with the chat box was amazing.
P.P.S. I don't care about having a life, stop telling me to get one. ::sulks::
Ding!
This particular revelation has kept me away from a lot of my "habitual sins", lately. I'll be tempted, about to commit the sin out of weakness - when all of a sudden, in the corner of my mind, a thought pops up, not unlike a Gmail chat box (STOP YOUR SNICKERING!!! I CAN HEAR YOU!!!).
It's like this:
Really puts things in perspective, doesn't it?
Does me.
Love Does Not Rejoice In Iniquity,
-=Brenna=-
P.S. Stop laughing and admit that what I just did with the chat box was amazing.
P.P.S. I don't care about having a life, stop telling me to get one. ::sulks::
2/8/10
Aunt Tabitha
by Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
Whatever I do, whatever I say,
Aunt Tabitha tells me that isn't the way;
When she was a girl (forty summers ago)
Aunt Tabitha tells me they never did so.
Dear aunt! If I only would take her advice!
But I like my own way, and find it so nice!
And besides, I forget half the things I am told;
But they all will come back to me - when I am old.
If a youth passes by, it may happen, no doubt,
He may chance to look in as a chance to look out;
She would never endure an impertinent stare, -
It is horrid, she says, and I mustn't sit there.
A walk in the moonlight has pleasures, I own,
But it isn't quite safe to be walking alone;
So I take a lad's arm, - just for safety, you know, -
But Aunt Tabitha tells me they didn't do so.
How wicked we are, and how good they were then!
They kept at arm's length those detestable men;
What an era of virtue she lived in! - But stay -
Were the men all such rogues in Aunt Tabitha's day?
If the men were so wicked, I'll ask my pap
How he dared to propose to my darling mamma;
Was he like the rest of them? Goodness! Who knows?
And what shall I say, if a wretch should propose?
I am thinking if Aunt knew so little of sin,
What a wonder Aunt Tabitha's aunt must have been!
And her grand-aunt - it scares me - how shockingly sad
That we girls of today are so frightfully bad!
A martyr will save us, and nothing else can;
Let me perish - to rescue some wretched young man!
Though when to the altar a victim I go,
Aunt Tabitha'll tell me she never did so!
by Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
Whatever I do, whatever I say,
Aunt Tabitha tells me that isn't the way;
When she was a girl (forty summers ago)
Aunt Tabitha tells me they never did so.
Dear aunt! If I only would take her advice!
But I like my own way, and find it so nice!
And besides, I forget half the things I am told;
But they all will come back to me - when I am old.
If a youth passes by, it may happen, no doubt,
He may chance to look in as a chance to look out;
She would never endure an impertinent stare, -
It is horrid, she says, and I mustn't sit there.
A walk in the moonlight has pleasures, I own,
But it isn't quite safe to be walking alone;
So I take a lad's arm, - just for safety, you know, -
But Aunt Tabitha tells me they didn't do so.
How wicked we are, and how good they were then!
They kept at arm's length those detestable men;
What an era of virtue she lived in! - But stay -
Were the men all such rogues in Aunt Tabitha's day?
If the men were so wicked, I'll ask my pap
How he dared to propose to my darling mamma;
Was he like the rest of them? Goodness! Who knows?
And what shall I say, if a wretch should propose?
I am thinking if Aunt knew so little of sin,
What a wonder Aunt Tabitha's aunt must have been!
And her grand-aunt - it scares me - how shockingly sad
That we girls of today are so frightfully bad!
A martyr will save us, and nothing else can;
Let me perish - to rescue some wretched young man!
Though when to the altar a victim I go,
Aunt Tabitha'll tell me she never did so!
I'm a big fan of Holmes.
He has funny poems, he has serious poems, contemplative poems, and the occasional poem that makes no earthly sense. I have the complete works, and it'll probably take me through college to chew through them all.
2/7/10
- Minus Eleven -
EMILY: Hey, are we best friends?
JONNY: Of course. You're silly.
EMILY: Yeah. I just wanted to make sure.
The kids in my Mothers' Ministry class make me very jealous. Everything is so simple and straightforward. If they like playing with someone, they tell that person. If they have a best friend, they proclaim it to the world. If they love something, they talk about it (even if that means changing the subject from Jesus to Trucks).
Friendships are also simple and unruffled. I think sometimes, they're more loyal than their teenage counterparts. Gender doesn't matter, age differences don't matter, clothing and social status makes no difference.
JONNY: >kisses top of Emily's head<
EMILY: >barely notices<
JONNY: >seriously< I gave you a kiss.
EMILY: Why?
JONNY: That's how I tell Mommy I love her. I love you, too.
EMILY: Okay, Jonny.
When the above conversation took place, there were three girls in the room. The other two looked at each other, rolled their eyes, giggled something about "Puppy Love", and then one of them started a conversation about this cute boy in her Bio class, who she has never spoken to but apparently idolizes.
That entire scene (like many things) made me angry on several levels.
(note that when I use words like "affection", "love", and the like in this post, I am using them in a Platonic sense. This is not a post about romance. Also, this is mostly a post about guy-girl friendships, though some of it applies to same-sex friendships as well.)
Guy-girl friendships are disbeleived, mocked, and made out to be cover-ups for romances.
Being in a phileo relationship of this kind, I feel quite strongly about the misconceptions and aspirations cast. It angers me. Nothing makes it easier for others to call you a liar than a close, platonic, opposite-sex friendship.
I can't tell you how often I've had variations of the following conversation:
GIRL: So... what's with you and ______?
ME: We're friends.
GIRL: Like, "friends", or, like, "friend friends"?
ME: >inwardly rolls eyes< We're just friends. Normal friends. He's probably my best.
GIRL: Oh, come on Brenna, you can tell me! It's okay, I won't tell anyone!
ME: Really. That's all we are. >weary sigh<
GIRL: >looks skeptical< I don't know, Brenna. You two are always, like, making eyes at each other.
ME: >grits teeth< No, we don't. Some people don't need words to say everything.
GIRL: And you totally finish each others' sentences, you know...
ME: So?
GIRL: So you totally like him!
ME: >shakes head and inwardly pleads with God, asking Him to smite girl<
GIRL: >looking coy< It's okay, really. Anyway, I think he might like you.
ME: First, if he did, it wouldn't be any of your business. Second, if I did, it wouldn't be your business. Third, what POSSIBLY makes you think that anything in either of our lives is any of your business? And FOURTH, the first three points are irrelevant because you are speaking NONSENSE. We are JUST FRIENDS.
GIRL: Uh huh. Sure. >winks<
ME: >ready to kill her< Look... he's like my brother, okay???
GIRL: Micah? Nuh-uh, _____ is waaay cuter than your --
ME: >close to tearing out hair< NO! I mean... I mean that >speaking slowly and anunciating< He. Is. Like. A. Brother. To. Me.
GIRL: Oh.
ME: >sighs in relief<
GIRL: Soooooooo... if he's like your brother......
ME: Yeah?
GIRL: Well, like, you wouldn't.... you wouldn't mind if I kinda liked him? Because he is TOTALLY hot, and if you don't have dibs ---
ME: >slams head into nearest hard surface< Yes. Yes, I would mind.
GIRL: >victoriously< SEE? I KNEW IT! YOU SO TOTALLY LIKE HIM! >squeals<
ME: >prays for patience<
....and that scene continues until I get fed up enough to leave (which should probably happen much sooner than it ever does.)
Do you see how often I get called a liar, there? I cannot STAND being called a liar. I cannot STAND people presuming to know my feelings when they have such little understanding of me or the situation.
One memorable occasion, a friend of mine badgered me so much that I completely lost it and mildly yelled/cussed her out for 5 minutes straight.
And yes, I feel bad about it.
Even those who understand seem to be set on messing stuff up. One friend, we'll call her "Amy", gave this advice:
AMY: Well, if people give you that much trouble, why don't you just pretend to be a couple, and then everyone would stop bothering you!
ME: >laughs< I think that might cause more problems than it would solve, Amy.
Another friend, "Lexi", had the following to say:
ME: I told you before, we're just friends. I suggest you drop it. Now.
LEXI: Well... you should totally STOP being >air quotes< "just friends", because you would TOTALLY be the CUTEST pair EVER.
ME: >facepalm<
Why do people think they know better than the two who are in the relationship? Why do people think they HAVE to throw their $0.02 in our faces? Why do people think it's up to them to point out our stupidity for NOT "being together"?
Maybe... just MAYBE we're happy being friends? Maybe Phileo is preferable to Eros at the moment? Maybe it's less complicated? Maybe we don't WANT TO DATE, PERIOD? Maybe we know our own feelings better than all the commentators and don't need their advice to live a happy life?
Maybe we're 17, goshdarnit, and prefer friends to significant others.
My point here is that people mostly don't have brains when it comes to this kind of thing. Either the world in general is so hopped up on hormones that they can't see straight, or I'm the crazy one and Platonic Opposite-Gender Relationships do not exist. (This would be a pity, because then all but one of my exceptional friendships would not exist...)
Why can't people just leave us alone?
Why can't we all be 6 again?
-=Brenna=-
P.S. I had to get it all said and out of my brain before I imploded. You see, "If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad." (Lord Byron)
JONNY: Of course. You're silly.
EMILY: Yeah. I just wanted to make sure.
The kids in my Mothers' Ministry class make me very jealous. Everything is so simple and straightforward. If they like playing with someone, they tell that person. If they have a best friend, they proclaim it to the world. If they love something, they talk about it (even if that means changing the subject from Jesus to Trucks).
Friendships are also simple and unruffled. I think sometimes, they're more loyal than their teenage counterparts. Gender doesn't matter, age differences don't matter, clothing and social status makes no difference.
JONNY: >kisses top of Emily's head<
EMILY: >barely notices<
JONNY: >seriously< I gave you a kiss.
EMILY: Why?
JONNY: That's how I tell Mommy I love her. I love you, too.
EMILY: Okay, Jonny.
When the above conversation took place, there were three girls in the room. The other two looked at each other, rolled their eyes, giggled something about "Puppy Love", and then one of them started a conversation about this cute boy in her Bio class, who she has never spoken to but apparently idolizes.
That entire scene (like many things) made me angry on several levels.
- They were patronizing a 6-year-old friend relationship -- that had more substance to it than the one girl's "adoration" of Bio Boy.
- It wasn't "Puppy Love", I promise you that. Jonny just felt that same kid affection towards Emily that he did toward his mother. And I'll tell you... if any of my guy friends loved me as they loved their mother, my job as Female Friend would be a success.
- I was enjoying the scene before those two started gossipping. Kid-watching is one of my favorite sports. The purity and innocence... very refreshing and the best entertainment/thought-provoker out there.
(note that when I use words like "affection", "love", and the like in this post, I am using them in a Platonic sense. This is not a post about romance. Also, this is mostly a post about guy-girl friendships, though some of it applies to same-sex friendships as well.)
Guy-girl friendships are disbeleived, mocked, and made out to be cover-ups for romances.
Being in a phileo relationship of this kind, I feel quite strongly about the misconceptions and aspirations cast. It angers me. Nothing makes it easier for others to call you a liar than a close, platonic, opposite-sex friendship.
I can't tell you how often I've had variations of the following conversation:
GIRL: So... what's with you and ______?
ME: We're friends.
GIRL: Like, "friends", or, like, "friend friends"?
ME: >inwardly rolls eyes< We're just friends. Normal friends. He's probably my best.
GIRL: Oh, come on Brenna, you can tell me! It's okay, I won't tell anyone!
ME: Really. That's all we are. >weary sigh<
GIRL: >looks skeptical< I don't know, Brenna. You two are always, like, making eyes at each other.
ME: >grits teeth< No, we don't. Some people don't need words to say everything.
GIRL: And you totally finish each others' sentences, you know...
ME: So?
GIRL: So you totally like him!
ME: >shakes head and inwardly pleads with God, asking Him to smite girl<
GIRL: >looking coy< It's okay, really. Anyway, I think he might like you.
ME: First, if he did, it wouldn't be any of your business. Second, if I did, it wouldn't be your business. Third, what POSSIBLY makes you think that anything in either of our lives is any of your business? And FOURTH, the first three points are irrelevant because you are speaking NONSENSE. We are JUST FRIENDS.
GIRL: Uh huh. Sure. >winks<
ME: >ready to kill her< Look... he's like my brother, okay???
GIRL: Micah? Nuh-uh, _____ is waaay cuter than your --
ME: >close to tearing out hair< NO! I mean... I mean that >speaking slowly and anunciating< He. Is. Like. A. Brother. To. Me.
GIRL: Oh.
ME: >sighs in relief<
GIRL: Soooooooo... if he's like your brother......
ME: Yeah?
GIRL: Well, like, you wouldn't.... you wouldn't mind if I kinda liked him? Because he is TOTALLY hot, and if you don't have dibs ---
ME: >slams head into nearest hard surface< Yes. Yes, I would mind.
GIRL: >victoriously< SEE? I KNEW IT! YOU SO TOTALLY LIKE HIM! >squeals<
ME: >prays for patience<
....and that scene continues until I get fed up enough to leave (which should probably happen much sooner than it ever does.)
Do you see how often I get called a liar, there? I cannot STAND being called a liar. I cannot STAND people presuming to know my feelings when they have such little understanding of me or the situation.
One memorable occasion, a friend of mine badgered me so much that I completely lost it and mildly yelled/cussed her out for 5 minutes straight.
And yes, I feel bad about it.
Even those who understand seem to be set on messing stuff up. One friend, we'll call her "Amy", gave this advice:
AMY: Well, if people give you that much trouble, why don't you just pretend to be a couple, and then everyone would stop bothering you!
ME: >laughs< I think that might cause more problems than it would solve, Amy.
Another friend, "Lexi", had the following to say:
ME: I told you before, we're just friends. I suggest you drop it. Now.
LEXI: Well... you should totally STOP being >air quotes< "just friends", because you would TOTALLY be the CUTEST pair EVER.
ME: >facepalm<
Why do people think they know better than the two who are in the relationship? Why do people think they HAVE to throw their $0.02 in our faces? Why do people think it's up to them to point out our stupidity for NOT "being together"?
Maybe... just MAYBE we're happy being friends? Maybe Phileo is preferable to Eros at the moment? Maybe it's less complicated? Maybe we don't WANT TO DATE, PERIOD? Maybe we know our own feelings better than all the commentators and don't need their advice to live a happy life?
Maybe we're 17, goshdarnit, and prefer friends to significant others.
My point here is that people mostly don't have brains when it comes to this kind of thing. Either the world in general is so hopped up on hormones that they can't see straight, or I'm the crazy one and Platonic Opposite-Gender Relationships do not exist. (This would be a pity, because then all but one of my exceptional friendships would not exist...)
Why can't people just leave us alone?
Why can't we all be 6 again?
-=Brenna=-
P.S. I had to get it all said and out of my brain before I imploded. You see, "If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad." (Lord Byron)
No You Didn't
I just realized that most of my post titles have about 3 different meanings to me, but to the rest of the world only one or two.
I could go crazy psychologically analyzing this, theorizing that my cryptic tendencies are (1) a way of protecting myself from the world in a small way, but also (2) an invitation for anyone who cares enough about me to decrypt me, invest time in "solving" the puzzle of Me.
But me? Psychologically analyze? Nnnooooooooo....
-=Brenna=-
I could go crazy psychologically analyzing this, theorizing that my cryptic tendencies are (1) a way of protecting myself from the world in a small way, but also (2) an invitation for anyone who cares enough about me to decrypt me, invest time in "solving" the puzzle of Me.
But me? Psychologically analyze? Nnnooooooooo....
-=Brenna=-
2/5/10
They Aren't Lost, They're Just...Late...
"...I felt very clouded. Like all the marbles in my head were separated from each other with little pieces of cotton. I didn't feel the sharp clicking of clear thoughts - just the quiet thudding of
all the things that had happened..."
~ from "SAMMY KEYS AND THE COLD HARD CASH" by Wendelin Von Draanen
That quote is from the most recent installment of the Sammy Keys series, kid/teen books that I still find enjoyable.
It perfectly describes how I"ve been the last week or so.
Normally, I'm a quick thinker. Normally, I can predict future consequences well. Normally, I'm very good at reading other people. Normally, all those marbles make a clear, brisk clicking sound as the shuffle their way about in an orderly manner. I trust my thought process, and even more do I trust my intuition.
The past few weeks, I've been everything BUT normal. It's been cloudy, hazy.
I'm trying to pinpoint why. Here's the laundry list (lots of pins pointing, in this case):
- A sprained ankle (plus crutches)
- School stress
- Nice revelations from friends
- Not-so-nice revelations from friends
- Old memories I wanted to forget being dredged up.
- Quizzing drama
- LONELINESS
I need a hug.
-=Brenna=-
I Won't Close My Eyes
Today, we're discussing a song! Isn't that fun?
Morwen introduced me to a group, "Within Temptation", which I can't really describe or genre-ize. It is what it is (as much as I hate that phrase).
The following song, apparently, reminds Morwen of me. Makes sense, I suppose, on some level. She does know me pretty well.
Anyway, I take the lyrics of songs extremely personally. This song just punched WHAMMO, right into my heart.
I can see
When you stay low nothing happens
Does it feel right?
Late at night
things I thought I'd put behind me
haunt my mind
I just know there's no escape now
once it's set its eyes on you
but I won't run, have to stare it in the eye
Stand my ground, I won't give in
No more denying, I gotta face it
Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand My Ground
It's all around
getting stronger, coming closer
into my world
I can feel
that it's time for me to face it
can I take it?
Though this might just be the ending
of the life I held so dear
but I won't run, there's no turning back from here
Stand my ground, I won't give in
No more denying, I gotta face it
Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand My Ground
All I know for sure is I'm trying
I will always stand my ground
Stand my ground, I won't give in (I won't give in)
I won't give up (I won't give up)
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will
Stand my ground, I won't give in
No more denying, I gotta face it
Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand My Ground.
This song has been going through my head for about a week now.
How do you protect yourself from something or someone you have no control over? How do you protect your reputation when someone out there that you've trusted in the past knows things about you that could be contorted into friend-breakers, life-wreckers? How do you deal with not trusting the very people you are forced to lay your reputation at the feet of?
I guess all you can do is... stay. Don't run, don't give up, don't turn back. Just face whatever is going to come. Don't stoop lower than your convictions just because you are afraid, just because you want to avoid defense. Don't break someone else's trust in you, though they break your trust in them. All you can do to remain blameless is to behave honorably, whatever gets thrown at you. When all the power is in another's hands, all you have to do is let the Truth prop you up, even though the world doesn't see it.
That way, even if someone takes your friends, your reputation, your happiness... you have something they cannot destroy, because you will always have the upper hand. You are always the one in control of your actions and words.
That's the pep talk I"ve been giving myself this entire week.
Ah, racing thoughts.
Love Always Protects,
-=Brenna=-
Morwen introduced me to a group, "Within Temptation", which I can't really describe or genre-ize. It is what it is (as much as I hate that phrase).
The following song, apparently, reminds Morwen of me. Makes sense, I suppose, on some level. She does know me pretty well.
Anyway, I take the lyrics of songs extremely personally. This song just punched WHAMMO, right into my heart.
I can see
When you stay low nothing happens
Does it feel right?
Late at night
things I thought I'd put behind me
haunt my mind
I just know there's no escape now
once it's set its eyes on you
but I won't run, have to stare it in the eye
Stand my ground, I won't give in
No more denying, I gotta face it
Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand My Ground
It's all around
getting stronger, coming closer
into my world
I can feel
that it's time for me to face it
can I take it?
Though this might just be the ending
of the life I held so dear
but I won't run, there's no turning back from here
Stand my ground, I won't give in
No more denying, I gotta face it
Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand My Ground
All I know for sure is I'm trying
I will always stand my ground
Stand my ground, I won't give in (I won't give in)
I won't give up (I won't give up)
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will
Stand my ground, I won't give in
No more denying, I gotta face it
Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand My Ground.
This song has been going through my head for about a week now.
How do you protect yourself from something or someone you have no control over? How do you protect your reputation when someone out there that you've trusted in the past knows things about you that could be contorted into friend-breakers, life-wreckers? How do you deal with not trusting the very people you are forced to lay your reputation at the feet of?
I guess all you can do is... stay. Don't run, don't give up, don't turn back. Just face whatever is going to come. Don't stoop lower than your convictions just because you are afraid, just because you want to avoid defense. Don't break someone else's trust in you, though they break your trust in them. All you can do to remain blameless is to behave honorably, whatever gets thrown at you. When all the power is in another's hands, all you have to do is let the Truth prop you up, even though the world doesn't see it.
That way, even if someone takes your friends, your reputation, your happiness... you have something they cannot destroy, because you will always have the upper hand. You are always the one in control of your actions and words.
That's the pep talk I"ve been giving myself this entire week.
Ah, racing thoughts.
Love Always Protects,
-=Brenna=-
Self-Defeating Purpose
The point of the word "Duh" is to let the person you are speaking to know that they have just said something (a) obvious, (b) unintelligent, (c) unnecessary, or (d) all of the above.
And yet... it just makes you sound unintelligent.
And yet... it just makes you sound unintelligent.
2/3/10
<< Rewind
Okay, so I didn't really feel like talking about Quiz for a while.
Now... well, I still don't want to, but I told you all about it beforehand and I'm rather obligated to update you on how it went.
We placed 2nd, by 10 points (10pts = 1/2 a question). The team that barely beat us out had two of my former teammates on it. They were the ones who always buzzed quickly, and caused us to dominate the last two years. Therefore, they snagged all the verse questions, which are worth more. We got most of the bigger text questions (worth a little less than verses), so we stayed pretty even with their score the entire time (this means that we sorta worked harder for the score we got).
There are various technical things I could mention here, but I"m not going to. It would sound too much like trying to justify 2nd place. Too much like I"m a bad loser (which I probably am, but there's no need for a demonstration).
I would like to say that I had an AMAZING team. I had a TON of fun with them, practices were a riot (minus the two times I passed out), and... well, I actually liked everyone on my team. That's never happened before. The chemistry was fantastic, our huddle dynamic was good, and I really can't wait for next year... yeah. I love you guys.
::shakes sentimentality off::
Right, so, the future of my quiz year looks like this:
Dots and I joined a team from Marysville, who are going to Summit (Nationals). My teams have always ::cough:: slaughtered them at Quiz Meets, but they're fairly good, all the same. They're better now, because... us + them. Do the math, it's easy.
The first practice was pretty good. We individually buzzed, and they made me sit out after I buzzed first on 12 questions in a row and recited various hard lists and dates, etc.
They don't divide the chapters... they divide strengths. This is all well and good, but poor James (gah. I need a nic for him) has a "Text Strength", and that's basically all of the book... plus, that means that my strength is going to be lists instead of verses, which I know perfectly rightsideup and upsidedown, backwards, forwards, inmysleep, hoppingupanddowninahotairballoon. I think I'm going to learn all the text verses, just so I don't stagnate in the scripture department.
So, to make up for the lack of organization, Dots and I are organizing the two of us. We're going through one chapter each week, resolving to know it by heart. We're starting with Chapter 12, because I already know Chapter 1 by heart, and everyone is usually weak on the later chapters - so if we start at the end, we'll have a strength not many others have. This is strategic WIN.
Also, I GET TO WEAR DRESS PANTS. As much as I love floor-length swooshy skirts, They're awful hard to quiz in. You have to make sure you don't step on the hem when you stand up so there isn't an embarassing moment, and you have to sit funny, etc. And I just don't LIKE knee-length skirts (I know, I know, all my dresses are knee-length. Whatever), because you once again have to sit funny (different funny), and on stages, when people are below you.... let's just say shortish skirts aren't the best choice.
ANYWAY.
Pants will be much more comfortable. So much easier for me to concentrate (especially if they have me holding The Buzzer, which is HOPEFULLY what will happen. Trust me when I say it would be best for this team)
It looks like they're going to let me socialize at Summit if I have a buddy with me. The buddy will be Dots, and all of this means that I GET TO SEE DOC!!! I'm SO psyched. I absolutely CANNOT bear waiting until APRIL, but I of course have to. ::sigh::
Yeah. So, that's what quizzing looks like this year. It's not my ideal, but it'll do. Next year, with my Dream Team (Honey, Dots, Jester, and hopefully Jester's little brother who I don't have a sufficiently insane nic for)... it'll make up for anything horrid that's happened to me in the last three years of quizzing. Really, it will. If I have a fantastic Senior year, it'll make all the work and pain and sweat and tears and lame moments of my quiz history COMPLETELY and totally worth it.
-=Brenna=-
Now... well, I still don't want to, but I told you all about it beforehand and I'm rather obligated to update you on how it went.
We placed 2nd, by 10 points (10pts = 1/2 a question). The team that barely beat us out had two of my former teammates on it. They were the ones who always buzzed quickly, and caused us to dominate the last two years. Therefore, they snagged all the verse questions, which are worth more. We got most of the bigger text questions (worth a little less than verses), so we stayed pretty even with their score the entire time (this means that we sorta worked harder for the score we got).
There are various technical things I could mention here, but I"m not going to. It would sound too much like trying to justify 2nd place. Too much like I"m a bad loser (which I probably am, but there's no need for a demonstration).
I would like to say that I had an AMAZING team. I had a TON of fun with them, practices were a riot (minus the two times I passed out), and... well, I actually liked everyone on my team. That's never happened before. The chemistry was fantastic, our huddle dynamic was good, and I really can't wait for next year... yeah. I love you guys.
::shakes sentimentality off::
Right, so, the future of my quiz year looks like this:
Dots and I joined a team from Marysville, who are going to Summit (Nationals). My teams have always ::cough:: slaughtered them at Quiz Meets, but they're fairly good, all the same. They're better now, because... us + them. Do the math, it's easy.
The first practice was pretty good. We individually buzzed, and they made me sit out after I buzzed first on 12 questions in a row and recited various hard lists and dates, etc.
They don't divide the chapters... they divide strengths. This is all well and good, but poor James (gah. I need a nic for him) has a "Text Strength", and that's basically all of the book... plus, that means that my strength is going to be lists instead of verses, which I know perfectly rightsideup and upsidedown, backwards, forwards, inmysleep, hoppingupanddowninahotairballoon. I think I'm going to learn all the text verses, just so I don't stagnate in the scripture department.
So, to make up for the lack of organization, Dots and I are organizing the two of us. We're going through one chapter each week, resolving to know it by heart. We're starting with Chapter 12, because I already know Chapter 1 by heart, and everyone is usually weak on the later chapters - so if we start at the end, we'll have a strength not many others have. This is strategic WIN.
Also, I GET TO WEAR DRESS PANTS. As much as I love floor-length swooshy skirts, They're awful hard to quiz in. You have to make sure you don't step on the hem when you stand up so there isn't an embarassing moment, and you have to sit funny, etc. And I just don't LIKE knee-length skirts (I know, I know, all my dresses are knee-length. Whatever), because you once again have to sit funny (different funny), and on stages, when people are below you.... let's just say shortish skirts aren't the best choice.
ANYWAY.
Pants will be much more comfortable. So much easier for me to concentrate (especially if they have me holding The Buzzer, which is HOPEFULLY what will happen. Trust me when I say it would be best for this team)
It looks like they're going to let me socialize at Summit if I have a buddy with me. The buddy will be Dots, and all of this means that I GET TO SEE DOC!!! I'm SO psyched. I absolutely CANNOT bear waiting until APRIL, but I of course have to. ::sigh::
Yeah. So, that's what quizzing looks like this year. It's not my ideal, but it'll do. Next year, with my Dream Team (Honey, Dots, Jester, and hopefully Jester's little brother who I don't have a sufficiently insane nic for)... it'll make up for anything horrid that's happened to me in the last three years of quizzing. Really, it will. If I have a fantastic Senior year, it'll make all the work and pain and sweat and tears and lame moments of my quiz history COMPLETELY and totally worth it.
-=Brenna=-
2/2/10
I Believe It Was A Tuesday
Isn't the word "always" scary?
Also, isn't the word "always" dangerous?
ALWAYS: at all times; on every occasion; constantly; without variation or change; in every case; in any event.
Don't think I can't see you running for the hills, Commitorum Metus Members. I can also hear you squealing like little girls.
Seems to me that most people overuse the word "always" - or, if they don't overuse it, they use it flippantly. We don't think about what it means unless someone says it to us. Then, most likely, we trust them to stick to the meaning of their words.
(I'm catching myself before I go off on a rant about how we expect other people to be more sincere than we are, and how females are always looking for Mr. Darcy even though they aren't Miss Bennet. That is a lecture for another time.)
I don't say "always" very often. But I think that the few times I've used it (in a serious sense), I meant it. I didn't even realize I'm that careful until I started thinking about the word seriously (which would be last night, trying to get to sleep). I haven't gone back on an "always". Now let's see how I do the rest of my life...
Grr. I have all these thoughts banging around in my head about this word, but they won't marshal themselves into any kind of order. I had this nice, clear, concise point/theory/deep impressive philosophical statement and everything to present... but my brainpower left me as soon as the "New Post" page opened. =\
Maybe I'm just preoccupied with the various revelations of the past few days. They've left me rather scatterbrained and dizzy.
I give up. My Deep Impressive Philosophical Statement seems to be gone for good.
All I can hope is that someone reads this and has something to think about when they have a hard time getting to sleep.
Love Endures All Things,
-=Brenna=-
Also, isn't the word "always" dangerous?
ALWAYS: at all times; on every occasion; constantly; without variation or change; in every case; in any event.
Don't think I can't see you running for the hills, Commitorum Metus Members. I can also hear you squealing like little girls.
Seems to me that most people overuse the word "always" - or, if they don't overuse it, they use it flippantly. We don't think about what it means unless someone says it to us. Then, most likely, we trust them to stick to the meaning of their words.
(I'm catching myself before I go off on a rant about how we expect other people to be more sincere than we are, and how females are always looking for Mr. Darcy even though they aren't Miss Bennet. That is a lecture for another time.)
I don't say "always" very often. But I think that the few times I've used it (in a serious sense), I meant it. I didn't even realize I'm that careful until I started thinking about the word seriously (which would be last night, trying to get to sleep). I haven't gone back on an "always". Now let's see how I do the rest of my life...
Grr. I have all these thoughts banging around in my head about this word, but they won't marshal themselves into any kind of order. I had this nice, clear, concise point/theory/deep impressive philosophical statement and everything to present... but my brainpower left me as soon as the "New Post" page opened. =\
Maybe I'm just preoccupied with the various revelations of the past few days. They've left me rather scatterbrained and dizzy.
I give up. My Deep Impressive Philosophical Statement seems to be gone for good.
All I can hope is that someone reads this and has something to think about when they have a hard time getting to sleep.
Love Endures All Things,
-=Brenna=-
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