Trois

Whenever I read the word "intriguing", I read it out loud in my head as in-true-jing, as if the two middle vowels were switched. I even catch myself using it in conversation this way occasionally. Oops.

College is sapping all my excess energy (as if I ever had any excess to begin with), and I haven't wanted to write. I"m at that point when everything loses a little of its zest because I'm simply too tired to fully appreciate it.

To sum up the past week or so:

I got the third female part in Drama 112's casting of The Miser (17th century French satire). The character is quite different than anything I"ve ever played before, so I'm looking forward to the challenge. The leading lady is rather fond of cussing a blue streak, so rehearsals are... interesting. >.<

French class is immersion. Immersion is hard. Immersion beats the dickens out of my brain cells.

My supervisor at work nicnamed me "Miss Thang". This is the most creative nicname yet, unfortunately. Previous models were things like "knifey girl" (supposedly not because of my affinity for weapons, but rather my sharp intellect and cutting wit. Right. ::roll::). I think I prefer Miss Thang.

It's late. I want to go to sleep.

Goodnight, dearies.

-=Brenna=-

What She Does

She takes the weight off
his mind as
bare trees take January
light, as
mind remembers the
secret consonants of
French words, as the
student comes to the
hard place in Virgil
with an intake of
breathe, as the sleeper
breaks up in the
dream descending the
stair, as gravity,
appetite, rain draw us
down, homemade,
ad lib, as the
willow takes the
wind, leaves flashing
silver as it turns

~Michael O'Brien

Deux

Weelllll I’m totally failing at participating in French class. =P I can understand what he says to other people. I can even tell what their response should be. But if he calls on me, I’m sunk. Everything except the blank stare protocol is vaccuumed out of my head. It’s lame.

I’m sitting on the bridge that’s between the SMT and TI  buildings. It’s rather nice, with the sun on my neck, my laptop in my lap (sans internet, because I’m dumb and keep forgetting my SID), a Dr. Pepper by my side and no one bugging me. 

Something I’ve noticed about this bridge is that younger people don’t use it. Seriously, I’ve seen about 20 adults go across it, and zero teenagers and zero twenties. I”ve seen plenty make their way AROUND the bridge, but none cross it. 

Of course, as I was typing that, a gang of three teenagers walked in front of me. Dangit. They’ve ruined my scientific experiment. I was hoping to keep sitting here every day and count people, guess ages, and look inconspicuous with my eyes supposedly glued to my laptop. Grr. Real people ruin all my fun.

Ah well. At least I still have lemon bread.

So as I said, I don’t have my wi-fi set up on my computer because I constantly forget that ID is necessary in the big world. I would be able to retrieve it if I had my WA state ID card on me, but of course I don’t, because it’s in the wallet that disappeared over a month ago. Bah. So I wait until tomorrow for blessed internet, of course. >.<

If I forget my SID card tommorrow, I want someone to shoot me.

Wellll auditions are going on at drama today. I still don’t know which part I’m going for. =P Starting to think Elise, though, because I’ve not had experience playing wholesome, protagonist parts. And she’s got this awesome scene at the beginning with her love interest in which they both talk with really long paragraphs and flowery language and basically tell each other that they love each other but don’t believe the other loves them back for realz. I’m pretty sure I could do Elise or Frosine equally well, but I’m thinking I might want a change. Sadly, the Elise audition isn’t the greatest piece of stuff.

Some asian dude is loitering on the bridge and casting sideways glances at me. ::Sigh:: Oh, he’s leaving. I think I scared him off with my accidental glare of steel. Seriously, I don’t know that I’m doing it. I just do it. My normal face is hostile! What can I say?

Well, I’ll write more later. Right now I’m going to look over the Elise audition and figure out how to make it somehow amusing. 

Un

I felt sick as I walked into French 112. Actually, I felt sick all the drive TO French 133. And I imagine I”ll be getting sick on the way to Drama 111, when the time comes to hike over to the theatre. Right now I’m sitting in the computer lab, at a table with no other people, next to the long rows of computers and more experienced college students. They all seem to know what they’re doing… while I have no idea. What I really want to do is get my wi-fi set up, but unfortunately, the computer lab is having technical difficulties with the new students. >.< So I’m typing this on Microsoft Word, to be published later with a forged time stamp.

I have this idea I was supposed to have my student ID number today. Whoops. Didn’t even think of it. >.< It’s probably in my mom’s purse, all nice and unhelpfully. So even if there weren’t technical difficulties, I would be out of luck.

French 112 was alright, there were lots of other timid people., so I didn’t feel out of place. The teacher practiced some phrases on us, such as “what is your name”, “where are you from”, etc. He asked me “what is your favorite kind of book to read?” and “what is your favorite author?” I did not really feel like sharing with the class what my taste was. It didn’t seem like their business, and I don’t really intend to get close with them, so I said that I like psychological thrillers and my favorite author was Carl Jung. Heeeeheehe. This has probably insured me against any and all friendly attacks from my fellow students.

Though, despite my constant disdain for fellow teenagers, I… actually feel a little lonely. All the people walking by with friends, talking, laughing, etc. All I need is one person. I have this secret hope that one of the people in my French class will be in Drama, and I”ll get a friend by default. =P Usually I’m really careful about who I pick for friends (this leads many people to think that I am actually friendless. This is not the case. I am just picky), but this time, I’d just like someone to smile back at me.

Even so, confusing and scaring people is fun too. It helps you retain a sense of… mystery. Also, “untouchability”, which I enjoy quite a bit.

There was some big crisis in the computer lab today, so I still don’t have wi-fi. Though could have found my student ID if the computers had been working, but no. >.<

Soooo, having no internet to entertain me until drama, I am wandering around aimlessly instead. I think I now know the location of every single restroom and soda machine, information that will no doubt assist me in my long year here at GRCC. Also, I was already hit on by some guy whose trousers barely covered his boxer shorts. I think I found this a little too amusing for his taste, as my smirking caused him to flee. I am a scaaaary little girl.

So I just have half an hour left to bide my time. Actually, 36 minutes. ::sigh:: BORING. Bathrooms are not nearly interesting enough to keep me entertained for two hours. People might be, but it is raining outside, and there is nowhere to sit because of that. Otherwise I would tap around on my laptop while actually spying on the people going by.

Oh, I HAVE seen lots of people I know. Saw Jeremy Sigrist and Austen Gatz on my way out of French, and I saw Caleb Philips, someone who looked like David Babb but might not have been, and Troy Myren. I know of other people who are going to GRCC, but no sightings so far.

Anyway, this is a lot less hard than I was preparing myself for. There are people dorkier than me and people way cooler than me. I haven’t seen many people who look like my kind of people…. But it’s possible I won’t actually find anyone here to connect with. I don’t mind, really. I’m here for education, not socialization. No one I know is in my classes, so I don’t have a built-in friend system… and I’m pretty sure I’m okay with that. It’s nice not to be constantly talked to. It’s alone time in the middle of a crowd. How introvert-typical.

I start at Green River CC on the 20th.

It's going to be tough. Not just because I will be getting no rest, either. Because I'm going to be with real-world people now. Not my carefully selected People. Not even the normal lazy-Christian crowd I'd find at church or most homeschool events. 

These are real people. They don't think like me, they don't dress like me, and they don't talk like me. They don't believe what I believe. They probably don't listen to George Gershwin and Wynton Marsalis in their rooms when they study. They don’t use large words (or medium-sized words, generally speaking).

The girls dress with a purpose in mind that is directly opposite my own purpose. They flirt and touch and laugh too loud and sometimes curse.

I’m not writing about this to point out the sins of the world. It’s more to point out my own sin.

And that is that I very, very easily bend to peer pressure when there isn’t any close friend nearby to keep me grounded. I seem like an odd one, I know. I look a lot like someone who doesn’t care what they think of me. But none of you who know me have seen me when there’s no anchor around.

I’m an actress. I have power to… convince. I can study habit and pattern, learn to imitate it. I can talk like them, learn their language. I can research. If it feels like a survival technique, I will exhert tremendous effort in hopes of being accepted.

I become not myself.

My priorities skew. I can be a glutton for attention, and I will work toward making people give it to me. I can capture male attention if I really try. And that seems to be what I gravitate towards when there’s no one of Importance around to latch onto. I veer away from female friendships because to me, they’re poison. And normal guys are much, much different than the young men I’m real friends with. They think on a rather different plain. I’m sure it’s possible to become “just friends” with a “normal” teenage guy… but they still flirt. And I am far too good at flirting back. Let us not go into details, here…. Suffice it to say I have not always stood as morally firm as I do now. I stay away from that old part of my being like it’s radioactive most of the time, because I understand its danger. I understand how much it can ruin. But under pressure, out in the real world, it’s so very hard not to do what I know will make then accept me. It doesn’t even have to be drastic or terribly noticeable – it’s the little things that seed all sorts of relapses in the rest of my life.

I know I can slip into that again just as easily as I can chop my hair short (like I did the other day. >.< I almost regret it…)

So I need two things from you guys.

One – prayer, and LOTS of it.  I am far weaker than you think me. But prayer has changed my life so much in the past year… I need it to keep coming and blessing me, because without it and without Him I am completely defenseless.

Two – Major accountability. Watch me, listen to me, make sure I’m staying Brenna. The Brenna who’s been around lately, the one who has her priorities mostly in line with God’s priorities (or at least tries). The Brenna who tries to respect the minds and hearts of the guys around her. The Brenna who believes that “it is better, if it is the will of God, to suffer for doing good rather than doing evil.” (1 Peter 3:17)

I love you all.

Here’s to the survival of Truth.

-=Brenna=-